coping with a dieting family during ED recovery

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This weekend, my family and I drove over to Utah to visit some family friends. I thought it would be a relaxing weekend getaway from all the craziness happening in LA. But, I was wrong. When I arrived at my friend’s house that we will be temporarily residing in, I totally lost it. Their pantry was loaded with different kinds of triggering food. Everything you can think of, and things you have never dreamed of, lied in wait. Of course, I investigated. I knew the moment as I was greeted by a cheery light upon opening the friendly door, I would have a relapse. It took me months to finally tranquilize the loud voice in my head, demanding to stuff myself until my stomach burst. My self-esteem rises with the more I learn and the more self control I’ve got. After all, I wanted to become the best version of myself that I could. 

On top of the triggering pantry, the family friend’s daughter was on extreme dieting. After learning about my situation, she took full advantage: asking me to count calories for her after each meal, requiring me to make “healthy” food for her, and challenging me to “eat normally” as I fought with the loud voices. I did not stay silent. It’s just so not me to keep everything inside my head. I told her that everything she was doing was stirring up negative feelings about my weight, shape, and current eating patterns. I was on a roller coaster that only goes downwards. Last night, I had a breakdown and yelled at her. After confronting her, she just wouldn’t stop and kept going with all the negative comments. At one point, she declared that “900 cal a day is the maximum I eat.” I wasn’t able to disengage in the conversation internally which I was supposed to do. 

After it was over, I self-reflected and told myself to see this as an opportunity to cultivate changes in my life. Being triggered is an unavoidable part of life, because recovery is not linear. Even if I relapsed (not trying to give myself an excuse to relapse), it wouldn’t be a sign of failure. Recovery is all about learning, trying new things and not giving up. An important cornerstone of any solid recovery is to learn how to navigate triggers without turning to your eating disorder or other destructive coping mechanisms. Gradually, as I learn how to deal with what I feared, I will no longer fear them.