Meet Clara Beneath the Surface

Radiating with positive energy and love, Clara, also known as Beneath the Surface, opens up about her struggles with disordered eating and mental health. Clara candidly talks about her initial obsession over food and her appearance and an accidental discovery of the world of intuitive eating. 

With Clara continuing to spark positivity and inspiration on her blog, I spoke with her to learn more about her recovery journey, goals, and everything else in between. 

What made you decide to switch to intuitive eating?

So, everything started when I was in an exchange program in New Zealand. At the time, I was all by myself. Every time I stepped into the supermarket, I would leave with bags of food, and then finish everything in my room. I was so confused about what was happening. I didn't even know binge eating was a thing at the time. So, I questioned myself: “why am I thinking about food so much? Why can’t I stop eating?” I was searching for resources that could explain what was happening, and then I just stumbled upon a book about intuitive eating. I read it and I was like, “Wow...” Intuitive eating totally helped me recover from binge eating, and it changed my relationship with food and my body.

Do you feel like you’ve received support from family and friends? What role do they play on your journey to recovery? 

My family and friends were really encouraging! At first, there was a lack of understanding since it was hard for them to absorb the information. As time went on, I began to set some boundaries and be open to those who deeply care about me. I think the key is to have patience since ED condition is not something that everyone goes through and it might be hard for them to change their mindset and language around you.

The most heartwarming part about my journey is when my friends became so understanding that whenever we meet up, they would never comment anything that is triggering for me. Moreover, they paved the way for the start of my blog. In the beginning, I wrote a few drafts, yet I just never found the courage to upload them. I feel like once you start talking about it, people will look at you differently, especially your school acquaintances. However, all my friends encouraged me to share them because it takes a lot of guts to be vulnerable. They are always there for me and they became the reason why I want to help others. 

On your website, you said that “I hated my body and desperately wanted to change it.” What made you feel that way about your body?

This kind of problematic cultural messaging all starts when we are really young. For me, when I was a kid, I absorbed and interacted with a lot of wrong messages in the media. When I was watching the Disney Channel, I would think of how pretty and skinny the actresses were. I was a huge Hannah Montana fan. She was always like an idol for me to model after. 

I guess I was a little chubby when I was young. So, I got bullied a lot for it. Oh, I remember I had this journal entry where I tracked down the names of every person. Yeah, I was really self-conscious even at a young age. I lost weight when I hit puberty and I just stopped thinking about my body until I gained it back. When I was 16, I couldn't accept my body as well as the negative comments that came with it. 

Can you describe a typical day in self-isolation? In what way has Covid-19 impacted you? 

I basically just wake up and eat breakfast, and then attend my online classes over zoom. It’s pretty boring. But during quarantine, since I couldn’t go out to eat with my friends, I was losing weight. It really stressed me out because I didn’t want my body to change. Weight loss came easy for me, but I had put into so much work to get my body right. Of course, my subconscious told me to maintain weight loss. So, I ended up binging again and constantly self-checking my body. 

One day, everything hit me all at once: “This cannot be happening again!” I visualized the life I had when I wasn’t obsessed with food and realized that I need to change. So, I first promised myself that the day we are out of quarantine, I would go out and drink with my friends. I also stopped looking at myself in the mirror. Everytime I brushed my teeth, I would face the other way. Slowly, I shifted my focus away from my appearance and gave myself the affirmation that it's okay if my body changes. I keep reminding myself that I am the one who makes the choice to live a life of freedom and happiness.

For those who might be struggling, what are some tips to help with intuitive eating?

Yeah, for me, the biggest resistance I faced was the fear of weight gain. When I was binge eating, I was like: “Okay, I'm going to restrict tomorrow. This is going to be the last time.” I think the most important thing for intuitive eating is to let go of your need for weight loss. Because if you are still thinking about losing weight or going on that last diet, you won't be able to eat intuitively because you're still going to be thinking about the calories. 

It definitely takes a lot of work and effort to redirect your thoughts and really believe that you are not defined by your physical appearance. There’s a really good book called The Body Image Workbook that helped me during my recovery journey. It includes an eight-step process to heal your relationship with your body. Give it a try, with all confidence, and it will improve the way you see yourself. We must not be so hard to judge ourselves as we do not on others.

How do you approach social media and its pre-diet culture? 

I remember a study that showed that scrolling through social media for just 30 minutes a day can actually impact your body image and the way you feel about your appearance. Especially during quarantine, the triggers on social media are just so hard to deal with. Here are some of my tips on how to cope with triggers in self-isolation:

1. Cleanse your social media feed: Avoid looking at fatphobic talk and memes. Unfollow people who post jokes about weight-gain. If your family is making those jokes in real life, let them know that it’s making you feel uncomfortable. 

2. Give yourself the permission to eat: If you feel out of control around those “guilty pleasures,” you are most likely in a restrictive mindset. One of the most important principles of intuitive eating is to make peace with food. This means that there is no labeling of food as good or bad, and all food is equal. To do this, you need to give yourself unconditional permission to eat. Stop restricting. The more you restrict, the more likely you are to binge. When you give yourself permission to eat, you know that the food will always be there for you. The food you always fear and avoid will stop being such a big deal and it will ultimately lose its power over you.

3. Plan your meals beforehand: Being in the middle of a pandemic, the feeling of being out of control may lead you to turn to controlling food to regain a sense of comfort and control. If you find yourself relapsing or feeling tempted to skip meals, plan your meals beforehand. Self-monitoring is really important in recovery. You can download apps like Recovery Record or Rise Up to stay disciplined. 

4.  Remember your why: Why do you want to recover? Why do you want to have a healthier relationship with food? Write down your why or create a vision board in order to remind yourself of it. It’s tempting to fall back on your past eating behaviors, but I’m telling you that recovery is so worth it. My life has changed so much since I stopped obsessing over food and my body. 

5. Explore some self-care options: Find ways to relax yourself -- meditate, read, watch Netflix, or take a bath -- do whatever you need to feel calm. Most importantly, be gentle and kind to yourself. 

Follow Clara

Blog: https://beneathesurfacesg.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/beneathesurfacesg/