Mother’s day special edition

ps. trigger warning!! feel free to skip ahead if you will feel disgusted by certain ED behaviors

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Perfectionism and persistence. These are traits that I was borned with, or traits that  I learned from you. But, beyond those euphemisms, they are merely a substitute for sheer stubbornness. Knowing the fact that I didn't get them out of  nowhere, I used that against you. However, I just want to say that nothing you did, or didn’t do, caused my eating disorder. I’m thankful that you put up with me for so many years. We hear a lot about how eating disorders tear relationships apart, but we don’t hear enough about how recovery can bring people together. I’m glad that in the midst of all the frenziness, we are closer than ever before.

I have eaten food out of trash cans. I have stolen food. I have ordered food and hid them in my room. Often, you can see through my lies right away. But please know that the times when I “succeeded”, I felt horrible, sigusting, and ashamed. I was deeply drawn into inner turmoil. 

Imagine trying to do everything with your non-dominant hand.This is how uncomfortable, how unnatural, recovery feels. As strange as it may sound, bingeing, purging, and restricting have helped me to navigate life, serving all kinds of purposes. Healing was hard for me, and it still is. Please don’t get frustrated by my relapses.  

I don’t want to be a burden. I feel guilty for spending money on food and doctors. Not to mention, I don’t believe that I am sick enough to deserve help. Sometimes, you might think that the “real me” is gone. But, I haven’t gone anywhere. I am more than my illness, and I am learning more about who I am every day. No one would choose to have an eating disorder, but I am beginning to see the gifts of recovery emerge.