my story

bear with me, its a long story...

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I want you to imagine a time where you really, truly felt ashamed of who you are. A moment where the people around you didn’t get it, and more than anything, you wished the earth would open up and swallow you whole. My eating disorder has always been the personification of that very feeling. It began around the age of 14, and by the time I was 15, it had turned into something I carried around with me daily. That feeling was constant. It was my biggest, most embarrassing secret.

Though I wouldn’t describe it as a literal voice in my head, my eating disorder started with a feeling that I wasn’t good enough. This problem needed to be fixed, and controlling what I ate seemed like the perfect solution. I had no idea how easily avoiding certain foods would lead to eliminating them entirely. Though I could not put it into words as I became a teenager, I felt dirty from the inside out. Not eating specific foods turned into skipping meals, followed by days without food, replaced by days where the rules I had created for myself didn’t matter and all I could do was eat until I physically could not anymore. One day, I pushed myself past the point I thought I was capable of. It hurt, but I kept going – until my impulse changed entirely and suddenly I knew that I just had to get what I had eaten out of me. 

five pieces of bread with butter and peanut butter or to nuke a huge plate of chips and cheese for makeshift nachos

I sneaked into the kitchen almost every night–praying my mom wouldn’t hear the wooden floors creak–to eat three, four, five pieces of bread with butter and peanut butter or to nuke a huge plate of chips and cheese for makeshift nachos. When I babysat my neighbors’ kids, or cleaned their houses for extra cash, I spent half the time rifling through their cupboards, stealing their kids’ snacks and potato chips. I thought I was a pig, and a freak, because I couldn’t stop this weird, secret, uncontrollable eating.

Purging became my way of undoing: every mistake I made in class, at sports, or even with life in general, it was always something that I knew I could use as an outlet for all of the underlying negativity. I felt more in control with each meal or mistake that I tried to erase. I internalized the idea that something about me wasn’t good enough until that framed the way I saw myself. Being a teenager, a volleyball player, and attending a competitive high school with amazing, intelligent, talented friends should have made me feel empowered. Sometimes it did, but because of my eating disorder, it became too easy to see myself as inadequate.

When it first started, everyone complimented me for becoming skinnier. I’m honestly amazed that I did not get “caught” in the chaos of my disorder. As time goes on, I was absolutely not healthy enough anymore: feeling dizzy every day, passing out a few times, and eventually, throwing up blood – it all became too much.

All there left was this ugly, cursed monster, messing with both my physical and mental health.

Wrapped up in my eating disorder, I wound up pushing most of my friends away out of shame and guilt. All I can think about is canceling any plans I may have this week, crawling back into my world, the only place I feel super comfortable. Feeling myself entails starving, exercising, and truly doing very little. I would socialize with friends only in minimal amounts, knowing that my binge was awaiting me at home. Prisoned in my room, I realized that the outgoing girl had fled away, far to an unknown place. All there left was this ugly, cursed monster, messing with both my physical and mental health.

September 26, 2017, I decided to talk to my parents. To my surprise, there was no screaming, hitting, crying like what my Asian parents always do. They were completely calm and had sought help from a nutritionist the next day. The process of healing is a continuous, upward journey. I cannot speak for everyone with an eating disorder. I can admit how difficult it has been to tell my story at times because my illness comes and goes in waves. Even to this day, I still can't say I am fully recovered. However, I have hope that one day, the monster will lose its fight.