on my eating disorder - an update #1

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Sometimes, I question when everything first started. When did I lose the privilege of calling it health conscious? Was it when I started hitting the gym everyday, doing an hour of weight plus an hour of cardio on top of the extra miles I run after school? Was it when I modeled after the tactics I’ve witnessed, the ones that make myself throw up the extra calories I consumed? Was it when I stopped eating carbohydrates and eventually just food at all? Was it when I woke up to the feeling of faint every morning? Was it when I started pinching my thighs or my stomach? 

I don’t know. Maybe one day, I just woke up with one.

It became a shadow that accompanied for years.

My shadow distorted the way I see myself in the mirror: I started noticing my stretch marks, my double chin, my swollen cheeks. It placed an imaginary calculator in my head, reminding me of the numbers and calories I’d taken in and burned off. It veiled my eyes with bitterness, making sure that I’d always compare my food intake with those around me. 

It was also kind at times, making me feel comfortable eating alone in the bathroom or the staircase. Being my constant companion, it fed me a faux-satisfaction when I wandered in the hole of loneliness and decayed in the void of unworthiness. With its help, I embraced the novel lifestyle and transformed it into a daily habit. 

We also communicated at times when the shadow exposed me to images of idealized bodies or videos of people devouring foods that I labeled as “trash”. Oh, fighting was common as well in our journey together. I recalled the times when I disobeyed its order, I would get punished severely. In the end, it would always win without reasoning. What can I say? It was wise and always right. 

Slowly as I matured, I started to push the shadow away. The process was not easy as it inhabited my body for years. Some people say that the number of years you suffer, the number of years it takes to recover. 

I didn’t want it to leave at first. But, I’ve realized that its intention was not benevolent. Sometimes, it will still strike me with its exceptional math skills or watchful eyes. Yet, the times without the shadow have broadened my frame of reference: I gained new friends, friends that are truly warm at heart.