on shame and addiction
- Gloria Gong
- Sep 18, 2020
- 2 min read
I believe that we all have an addiction of some sorts. Drugs. Booze. Eating. Lying. Watching porn. Whatever it may be, we all know it will rob everything away from us and keep us from living the best life. But, for different reasons, we continue on with these bad habits. There are times when we want to change our current situation. On the good days, we will succeed and fight the addiction monster head-on. But that’s not always the case. As vulnerable as we all are, a careless comment can totally ruin the day and eliminate our remaining strand of willpower. We will be left with mere shame and emptiness. On the other hand, those who eventually succeed and become sober (depending on how you define your addiction) may struggle with lingering shame. They feel as if they get judged from every corner.
If this is your case, I just want to remind you that you are a fighter and fighters don’t deserve to be shamed.
Addicts tend to feel ashamed because their feelings are numb. It doesn’t matter what you use to numb feelings, the effect is the same. If you numb your feelings for a long time, it’s challenging to come back to them: it takes an unimaginable amount of courage and commitment. So, some of us are up to the task, and some aren’t.
And for the haters out there, I want to say that addictions are saving some of us from larger consequences. Don’t get me wrong, this is not an excuse for the bad habits. But when we are in dire need of survival, we all make shitty decisions.
Other than the tons of other addictions I struggle with, I want to talk about my new-found one of cutting corners. I mean this in a bad way, not in a successful-entrepreneur-way-of-doing-things. I realzed that I have always had a ‘fuck-the-rules’ mindset and decided to do things my way. My brain is hardwired to break rules that seem arbitrary. However, more often than not, they are there for a reason. Committing to the “Rules Are Made to be Broken” law is sometimes dangerous and it got me into some severe troubles multiple times.
Here comes the shame. After noticing the problem and binding to address it, I started to pay attention to how others view me. Are they still seeing me the same despite my growth? Bet they still don’t trust my work and will try everything they can to find my loopholes, huh? I don’t know for sure the answers to these questions, but I hope one day they won’t bother me in the slightest way.
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