our bodies change on a regular basis

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Our bodies change on a regular basis.

I know that too. Yet, sometimes, the truth seems so far away from me, making me feel self-conscious, insecure, and weak all at once. My thoughts change throughout the day as my body changes. Before recovery, I would just sit there and let them consume my day and mind. Now, I respect my body enough to take care of it even when my mind tries to convince me otherwise. I mean why waste all my precious time and energy on something that I can’t change at the moment? I had to go through the cycle -- trying to find a fleeting sense of confidence through "controlling" my body image -- enough times to see how predictable it is. It's exhausting. I want more for myself. Now when I'm feeling self-conscious and insecure, I remind myself that I have a choice: I can either exhaust myself through the endless cycle again, repeatedly engaging in ED behaviors, or I can try something different in my ‘new life’ by accepting my body. 

Wanna know something that seems to be contradicting to this belief, yet goes hand in hand with it? I noticed that I don't need to always love my body, feel confident, or to feel strong. Body positivity is great and all, but body neutrality often feels more tangible. My body is only one part of who I am, and I've worked hard to separate my sense of self-worth from my body-image and respect myself enough to take care of myself regardless of how I feel. 

This shit is hard and I'm not done yet, but I know that it's worth it.