truth about self-sabotaging

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Lately, I’ve been self-sabotaging myself. 

There. I said it. 

Whether it’s mental or physical self-sabotaging, I feel like drowning in the rabbit hole, trying in vain to crawl back out.

Binging. Negative thoughts. Procrastination. Self-doubt. They all came back for me. 

Sometimes, the hole is a dark, cold, lonely tunnel. Other times, it's a blinding light that refuses to allow me to blink it away. Often, I drag demons from my past into the hole with me, and silently battle them, while I lay still. And then there are those moments, where you don’t feel anything, don’t think anything and don’t care what is happening around you.

It can be an ugly place.

It’s replete with over analyzing, over empathizing, over thinking, and under stimulation. It is sensing a tornado and waiting for it to suck you up in its vortex, and you become sad when it doesn’t. Even your own tornado won’t give you the relief of pulling you out.

I feel defeated and that all the efforts I’ve put into previously have been wasted. The little critical voice inside me keeps on reminding me of my unworthiness. 

It sucks.

But, one thing about it being a hole, is that the entrance is also the exit. There is always a way out- even if you have to claw your way out. You dig your way, to fight for the fresh air above.

Here’s a note to myself and anyone who also feels the hole is caving around them.

All I know is today will be better than yesterday, and tomorrow will be better than today.

The dopamine released while doing something damaging is temporary. When you wake up, you will dwell on the mistakes you made and it will not be an entertaining experience. 

You don’t want to be here on this cold floor anymore. You want to chase the morning light before the darkness of the night conquers the sky. Recognize the reason for your own self-sabotage and make small changes, consistently. You can never go from zero- to one-hundred in an instant.